Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I must be completely nuts...

   



    In 2004, after five long years of gaining weight steadily (60 lbs!) and only having lost ten of those, I decided I wanted to do something drastic to start claiming my out of control body again. I went on the Atkins low carb diet and very easily lost 20 lbs! I felt GREAT and was only 30lbs away from my goal! I lost steam to keep at the low-carb lifestyle, and nobody I knew was doing it too. I had no support system in place whatsoever. Recipe for failure! In March 2005, I got engaged to my husband of now six years, and we were married the following August. Fitting into my wedding dress was some darn good motivation to keep alot of self-control over my eating habits, and I was so busy planning the wedding that I rarely got bored! I felt incredible the day of my wedding and I was so thankful that I had lost those 20lbs so I would not look at my wedding photos and want to cry! Enter newly wedded bliss, two babies in 22-months, breastfeeding, boredom, loneliness, a PASSION for good food and wine, one of my children being diagnosed with a severe and rare genetic mitochondrial disorder that came/comes along with more intensity, fatigue, exhaustion, stress, emotional trauma etc. than a mom should ever have to endure, and heck let's throw in an @home gourmet cookie business to try and score some extra cash, and that leads us here...December 28th, 2011. Three days left in the year. I step on the scale and the numbers show that since my wedding day six and a half years ago, I have gained 80lbs. 110lbs since my high-school graduation in 1999...only 12 years ago. Not a good feeling. I promise. Take my word for it. Don't try and figure this one out for yourself...

     There have been ALOT of moments leading me to this major transition moment in my life. I am at a true fork in the road. One path leads to deterioration of health, depression, discontentment, resentment, jealousy, envy, insecurity, sickness... not a place that a daughter of the King of Kings belongs! The enemy of my soul resides there. I wear chains there. I become someone who I was never meant to be there. Failure paves the path there and makes my days feel like I am walking through wet cement. I lead my CHILDREN there because that is where I reside!!!! What does the other path look like? There is FIRE on that path from the get go. Refining fire that consumes my "baggage" by grace the second it is dropped. The only way for it to be returned to my body is through my choice to take them back. By GRACE I won't do that. This path is a very thin path that requires focus and self-discipline. It requires self control and fearlessly fighting for my freedom from those chains. It requires a "one step at a time" "put one foot in front of the other" mindset. It isn't dark because my Redeemer resides there. The LOVER of my soul! It is bright even in the darkest of moments because HE resides there, He IS light, and by choosing to walk in the freedom He has provided me, the refining flames that surround me become fueled and grow more intense by my sweat and tears! This path is where freedom resides. This path is where humility AND confidence dwell. This is the place of beauty...the place that I can lead (by example) my daughter into the bright future that God has for her. But this path is death to my flesh and a freaking lot of hard work...

I am going for it. I have a great eating plan that has worked WELL for me before and would have saved me from this mess my body has become if I would have chosen this path six and a half years ago. I was young and "lifetime maintenance" didn't apply to me. Now, lifetime maintenance means that the plan is that I SUCCEED! That I have every day for the rest of my life to walk out the victory over this bondage. Unlike then, I have a fantastic support and accountability system set up with LOTS of ideas of how to keep things delicious and interesting. I have a fun new dance cardio workout and my old faithful Pilates DVD that I love and have gotten great results from for strength training. BUT...

I have to give up coffee...for good. And wine. And fancy crackers...and chips. I LOVE chips. OUCH!

I am okay with that. My commitment to this attempt at a new lifestyle is for a year. If at this time next year I want to try something new then I will, but I wouldn't be wasting my time trying this if I wasn't super confident it will be for life. So...I choose the path of life and take a step...sugar and coffee weaning for the next three days. His GRACE is sufficient for me...

Leah

3 comments:

  1. I'm totally here for you, whatever you need. It's funny because a couple days ago I decided this for myself, too, and I know I never even whispered of it to you. It crazy to me that we both have been struck with the same conviction and desire without even talking. I hope that we can be an encouragement to each other.

    Love you!

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  2. Leah, if you ever need someone to talk to about this, I am here. I have gained and lost the same weight over and over again and need to be held accountable too. I did kick my wicked diet Mountain Dew habit, but man the chips and the chocolate are kicking my butt. My first step is going to Zumba in Watkins tomorrow night. Never been, but I am SO excited!

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  3. Proud of you! It is so important for us to set a good example for our children....you will have more energy and more balance in your daily life. You can do this. Every day is new!

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